I have too many thoughts/feelings

(or maybe just enough?)

Saw Moonlight for the first time last night. I've been waiting on seeing it, mostly because I wanted to be in the right mood for it. It's such a lovely, aching thing. Quiet and understated. Full of unspoken things. The sound design is fantastic. I think I wanted the ending to have more of a punch, but maybe it's better that it drifts off the way it does. The most amazing thing about it is that it's pretty much the opposite of Oscar bait, and yet.

In more fandom-focused topics, I saw a survey about ways of financially supporting fan creators on Twitter and I'm still trying to process my reaction to it. I am a creature of the gift-economy fandom. In some ways, this conversation is a sign of just how far the wider internet fan communities have come that we now do have mechanisms and models for supporting creators in ways that still mean that their content is still freely available. Probably spearheaded by dudes who are far more shameless when it comes to asking for money, but that's another post and conversation for another day.

I'm glad these models do exist, and I'm glad that creators who want or need that support can get them, whether it be through commissions or Patreon or tips or what have you. But I don't think it's ever going to be something I do for myself, whether it's paying into someone's Patreon or opening myself up for commissions. And to some degree, I know this is my privilege talking, because I'm pretty financially stable right now, and I have a work/life schedule that allows me to indulge in numerous hobbies at my leisure. But I would feel uncomfortable, having the pressure on me to provide work to the people who are giving me money, and it would feel uncomfortable to me to know that other people would feel pressured to write things for me because money changed hands.

And, I dunno. I feel fundamentally like I am happy to write for the feedback I get. Or, well, post for the feedback I get. *eyes up fic hoard full of wonky first drafts* And I feel like making that the basic exchange that happens for my writing makes everything simpler. Everything gets uglier when money gets involved.


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A PAX Report

I always forget the annoying/bad parts of PAX every time I go back. The lines. The too many people. The orgy of consumerism. There's plenty that I enjoy, too, but man, there's plenty that I hate about it.

Here's an incomplete list of things I played and enjoyed. Mostly so that I don't forget them later.

Game I Tell People About When They Ask What I Saw At PAX

Elsinore - Do you ever experience Hamlet and ask yourself, Man, if only Ophelia were stuck in a time loop that she could only escape once she stopped everyone from murdering each other? Well, do I have a game for you. The build I played was still relatively new and filled with minor annoyances (omg, slow the fuck down so I can talk to you. so I went to the place and then did the thing, now what?). But I do love time loops as a mechanic, and I do love Shakespeare, so this is right up my alley.

Game That Is a Sequel to an Indie Game I Like

Steamworld Dig 2 - Stemworld Dig is such a pleasantly tight game. You dig your way through the ground, collecting gems along the way, and then making your way back up to the surface with your loot when your bag is full. This seems to be more of the same, though I'm a little worried about how some of the magic may be lost once it gets bigger. I also need to play Steamworld Heist which is very different mechanically, but also looks like a ton of fun.

Game That I Really Want to Play More Of Right Now

Ticket To Earth - There's apparently a storyline that goes with this game, but I didn't get to see it in the demo I played. It seems like a pretty fun tactical RPG designed for mobile devices, with the 'twist' being that the floor is made up of colored tiles. You can only walk on one set of colored tiles per turn and walking on those tiles charge up your special abilities. It was pleasing to both the parts of my brain that enjoy tactical turn-based games like XCOM and the parts of my brain that like Match-3 games.

Game That Compelled and Confused Me In Equal Measures But Hopefully Won't In the Final Version

Moonlighter - Both a management sim and an adventure-y dungeon crawl? The Dungeon Crawl parts were excellent and delightful. I didn't get the management sim parts, but that might be because it needs some more polish and/or explanation? The art is lovely and I stuck with it so long I missed texts telling me to meet up with my friends.

Game That Has an Adorable Slug-Cat in It

Rain World - I am not good at this game, but it was pretty, and I enjoyed watching other people play it.

Game That Is Basically Monument Valley, Which Isn't the Worst Thing in the World To Be

Where Shadows Slumber - Instead of weird 3-dimensional Escher-like manipulations, you have a lantern and manipulate shadows. Not as inherently awesome, but the devs were super open to feedback when talking to them, so hopefully the final product will sparkle.

Other things I did/saw:

Utility Kilts Booth - idk why, but this delighted me. Kilts! But functional ones! I'm sure it has a very specific niche and I'm happy for them.

Escape Room panel - I haven't really done escape rooms, but my friends wanted to see this panel, and I'm glad I did. It was fun to listen to the panelists talk about the struggle of being in a fledgling industry. I definitely need to gather people together to attempt one.

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going places

you can make me write 5k of the thing you want

I'm offering up fic for auction as part of [ profile] fandomtrumpshate! Bidding starts now and runs for about a week (Jan. 19).

If you're confused about this, there's an FAQ for the auction with tons of information.

I have a contributor profile over on Tumblr.

If you want to read any one of my 200-odd fics that I've managed to write over the years to know what you're getting into, you can check out my AO3 page.

As for the specifics of what I'm offering up:
Type of fanwork: fic
Fandom(s): X-Men Movieverse, MCU, Star Wars (but not only these ones, see below)
Rating(s): G, Teen, Mature, Explicit
Length/size: up to 5k words, 5-10k words
Will not: A/B/O, MPreg, Steve/Tony
Notes: I’m willing to negotiate on the specifics of the story if there’s a fandom and/or pairing that I have written in the past or you think I may know but I haven’t listed here. I’m pretty flexible about that sort of thing, and I’d like to make you (the bidder) happy.

I know I'm kind of winging it by saying I can offer between 5-10k words, but if the original fic I write isn't long enough, I'll write another to make up the difference.

Helpful post about bidding in this auction

I've got a bidding spreadsheet where you can see current bids and a bidding form if you want to place your own bids.

I basically stole the format of this post from [personal profile] bironic, who is offering up a vid! (and who links to other awesome people who are offering things up in her post)

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moby play

Oh god, maybe I should write a post now

Hi, new people! I have mostly used this journal to talk about fandom, complain about petty bullshit, and sometimes mention what sorts of physical activities I've been doing.

I haven't really posted in a while, but here's a list of things I am currently into (or could be into, maybe):
  1. Mike Richards sad feelings. IDEK, you guys. His life is so sad. Except for the parts where he wins a whole bunch of things with his best bro, which is more than a whole bunch of NHL players or hopeful players can say. Maybe he's actually happy in his hometown fishing all the time and hanging out with his dog(s) and being mostly retired? I can only hope.

  2. Midnighter and Apollo. I've been fond of them for a while, but of course, I didn't care until they had relationship drama and broke up. They're back together and doing some sort of Orpheus and Eurydice storyline that involves a whole lot of punching people in the face, and I am here for this.

  3. Critical Role. I haven't talked about this mostly because convincing people that no, really, I do enjoy 3-5 hour episodes of voice actors playing D&D. It's a thing! It's great background noise because you can drift in and out, which is/was always my problem with podcasts.

  4. Yurio/Otabek from Yuri on Ice. This is apparently the big new shiny fandom, and I understand why. I enjoyed the show when I watched it, but I didn't have any desire to read/write the main ship of Yuuri/Viktor, mostly because the show gave me enough feelings about them and their relationship. But Yurio and Otabek do seem like an interesting secondary ship that could use some fleshing out, which is what intrigues me about them. How exactly do the two of them work it out? How does it progress over the years?

  5. Climbing & parkour. Things I am doing! I love doing them. So much of it is about focusing on your own body and what it's capable of and figuring out how to improve it. I could (should?) write entire posts about this later, so I won't ramble on too much about it here.

  6. Hexcells. Soothing puzzle game. I've been playing the daily infinite levels, which are super hit or miss, but which are still soothing. The main constructed levels are really excellent.

  7. You Must Build A Boat. Kind of a match-3 game that I also find soothing and goofy and fun. I have played through it a countless number of times over different devices.

Anyway, I am going to see Hidden Figures tomorrow, and hopefully I can add it to this list.

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Yearly Fic Wrap-Up: 2016

I did not do Yuletide this year, and I spent a good 6-7 months not writing anything. But I wrote two 20k+ stories in two separate fandoms. And that is really fucking weird. Anywho, here's what I've got.

Star Wars

The Galaxy Is Not a Cold Dead Place (21019 words) (Poe/Rey/Finn) - I grew up with so many Star Wars feelings. I still have shelves and shelves of EU books. I enjoyed the characters introduced in TFA, but I was frustrated that they got saddled with a plotline that was a bizarro carbon copy of A New Hope. This is my attempt to write a fun sort of space adventure-y story, filled with plot and feelings. Also, it was my attempt to answer 'why did Luke even leave in the first place?' Because I wanted to know.

Sing It Loud, Sing It Strong (1786 words) (Poe/Rey/Finn) - I liked the kinkmeme prompt, so then I wrote it. Porn didn't quite fit into the long Poe/Rey/Finn story, so it was nice to get a chance to write it elsewhere.

Come Together (Over Me) (3266 words) (Poe/Rey/Finn) - Feelings! I wasn't sure what to do with the prompt 'rivals to lovers' but I thought it might be fun to make Rey and Poe rivals. They thwarted my attempts to pit them against each other, though, because they were too nice and friendly.

MCU (Iron Man)

L’esprit de L’escalier (7032 words) (Tony/Rhodey) - I have been a huge fan of Tony/Rhodey for a long time, and Civil War was awful/great for them. The movie gestures to Rhodey's recovery, but there's still a lot of gaps there. I wanted to explore that time period and how they felt about it. Plus, I wanted to write about Tony pining. I am so predictable.

Just a Wrinkle (2589 words) (Tony & Rhodey gen) - My favorite thing about Tony and Rhodey's relationship is all their messy history together as friends. So naturally, time travel. I tried to Google historical info on MIT, but then I remembered that being vague works the best.


A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall (1169 words) (Charles/Erik) - If I was more dedicated, I would probably write a million words exploring what brought Charles and Erik back together in the future of Days of Future Past and all of the messy emotional work they'd need to do to get them to the point they are at when we see them. But I am not that dedicated, so I keep chipping off these tiny slices of that world, just to see what they look like.

How to Get Away with Murder

all the things left unsaid (1767 words) (Connor/Oliver) - Band AU! I still have a boatload of Connor/Oliver feelings, because they are such a disaster that juuuuust might work. It was fun trying to translate all of that messy disaster into a different sort of context.

The Good Place

Breaking Bread (622 words) (Eleanors Shellstrop gen) - I loved getting to come up with weird details in the same vein as the show.
Writing in sitcom fandoms is difficult, yo.

Hockey RPF

Living in Salt (24347 words) (Carter/Richards) - The first time I saw Pacific Rim, I predicted that there would be a ton of AUs, starting in hockey. Three years later, I am my own cliché. I ended up with a ton of sad Mike Richards feelings, and then read every single Carter/Richards fic on the internet that I could find. And then I wrote 20k words of it myself because that wasn't enough sad feelings. It did help.

Collapse )

Bonus round:

A year in fic 2006 - My first year writing House fic! Damn, I can't believe that House/BSG series I wrote is ten years old. WTF, life.

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Fic: Living in Salt (Hockey RPF, Pacific Rim AU, Carter/Richards)


(shut up. shut up. shut up.)

Living in Salt (24358 words) by thedeadparrot
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Hockey RPF
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Jeff Carter/Mike Richards
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Career Ending Injuries

Pacific Rim AU. Jeff opens his eyes, and Mike opens his eyes. It's both his eyes and Mike's eyes. Their eyes.

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trope bingo complete!

Last two stories on the list:

Breaking Bread (622 words) by thedeadparrot
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: The Good Place (TV)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Eleanor Shellstrop & Real Eleanor Shellstrop
Additional Tags: Cooking, Community: trope_bingo

Fake Eleanor and Real Eleanor bond in the kitchen.

all the things left unsaid (1767 words) by thedeadparrot
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: How to Get Away with Murder
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Oliver Hampton/Connor Walsh
Characters: Michaela Pratt, Asher Millstone
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Community: trope_bingo

"Well, something is going to break eventually," Michaela says, chin out, pushing through the awkwardness. "I'd rather it not be the band."

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obvious place

Fic: Come Together (Over Me) [Star Wars, Poe/Finn/Rey]

Come Together (Over Me) (3266 words) by thedeadparrot
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn/Rey
Additional Tags: Community: trope_bingo

Rey's not jealous. She's not.

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saving the world

so i guess this is my election night post

I have always loved my country, even when things are difficult, even when elections didn't go my way.

I remember going to bed on election night 2000 with high hopes that Gore would win the presidency with Florida safely in his pocket.

I remember being furiously angry that Bush managed to win re-election in 2004, hopeless and sad in the face of more war.

I remember celebrating in college when Barack Obama became our first black president, rushing out onto the green of my super-liberal campus in the middle of the night into a crowd, a feeling of pure joy.

I don't know how I feel right now. I'm awake at 2am because America has elected an actual monster as president because racists felt empowered to vote. I've seen some of the breakdowns. We minorities turned out. We waited in long lines. We donated. We put out a massive ground game. We called people. We canvassed. We did all the right things.

But the racists still won anyway.

We have always been surrounded by racists, sexists, the worst of human nature, but it's rarely felt as visceral as it has tonight. This is the ugliest of America, come to show its face in the voting booth.

We have voted in as president a man who can't be trusted with a fucking Twitter account. Even worse, the Republicans control all three branches of government, including both the House and Senate. Things will get uglier for so many people.

I live in a liberal bubble. I and my parents are US citizens. I have a comfy, bleeding heart liberal job in an industry that is always in more need of people like me. This only goes so far when it comes to federal policy, of course, but it helps soften the blow.

I can only hope the accelerationists are right. The ones who thought a Trump presidency would usher in a 100 years of light or whatever because he would burn it all down and we could start all over again. I thought the accelerationists were full of crap, because their ideas would mean that a lot of people would be hurt along the way. I can only hope that they are right, because now, a lot of people will be hurt for no reason with no light at the end of the tunnel.

The better people on my social media networks have been gearing up for a fight. Not like an armed revolution sort of thing, but the long slow slog of a political fight for the soul of America. I want to be like them, to put today (yesterday?) behind us and focus on what we can do to make our future better, brighter, safer. A future that I want America to have.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have the strength for that fight. I want to have it. But for now I'm going to go back to bed. It can wait until morning.

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madam president

election night

Well, I've cared a lot about politics for a long time. I voted today for the (I hope) the first female president of the United States.

I wanted to write something warm and awesome and uplifting, reflecting back on the many presidential elections I've lived through, the ups and downs that I've felt.

But mostly, this is the part of the night with a lot of misery and panicking and crying. So. I might just go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning to whatever fate awaits me.

See you on the other side?

Unless I can't sleep, of course.

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