I do, in fact, have a religion.
I mean, I would have mentioned this before, but it's just that... it's kind of hard to talk about, you know? And it was easier to pretend to be atheist. But thanks to Bobby Henderson, I feel like I can finally speak out. I have all been touched by His Noodly Appendage, and it was one of the most transcendental moments of my life.
I know I've said that I don't care what you believe in, as long as you don't force me to believe the same thing, but now I'll have to be hypocritical. We cannot have His word be unheard. We cannot allow American high schools to go around teaching us that we evolved from apes, when it is clear that He designed us to dress like pirates. That would be wrong and blasphemous.
So let us not be afraid to speak out, brothers and sisters! Let us celebrate and eat pasta in His name! We can change the American school system to cater to our narrow view of the world!