Oh, wait. No it's not.
Title: The One Where Wilson Cuts Himself And Cries Like A Little Girl, While House Heals Him With His Magic Cock (10/20)
Warnings: I'm kind of scared of my own brain at times. I think that should be sufficient warning.
Summary: Wilson is depressed! He needs some way to get the pain out!
Notes: Okay, I was going to start this at part one, but I decided that I wanted to skip to the interesting bits instead. So, here's a quick recap of what happened before.
Part 1: Wilson wakes up really sad.
Part 2: Wilson goes to work and feels really sad.
Part 3: Wilson eats lunch BY HIMSELF.
Part 4: Wilson hides in an empty stall in the boy's bathroom and cries.
Part 5: House is mean to Wilson.
Part 6: Wilson cries at home and cuts himself while listening to
Part 7: Wilson eats lunch with Cameron. Which is almost as bad as eating by yourself.
Part 8: Wilson cuts himself in the bathroom. While crying.
Part 9: Wilson cries in his office. And cuts himself.
Wilson held the blade over his wrist, right where his watch would hide it the next day, anticipating the feel of metal on skin.
He closed his eyes and began to cut.
It was at that moment that House decided to walk in. "I need you to take a look at this patient, say it's not cancer," House said. "The kiddies are being awfully insistent."
Wilson dropped the razor onto his desk and yelped. "House! What are you doing here? This is my office!"
House took a moment and squinted. "I seriously hope you weren't planning on offing yourself, because even the angsty goth teens know that you have to 'go up the street' not 'across the tracks' to do it properly. I'd really have to start questioning your medical degree."
Wilson, whose default when it came to House was 'indignant and baffled', kept true to form. "I wasn't trying to kill myself!"
"Oh, so this is just one of those 'cry for help' things, isn't it?" House took the time to poke around at the office furniture like he didn't see it ten times a day.
"It's just," Wilson turned to stare out the door to the balcony, "relaxing. That's all." He couldn't quite put the feeling into words, but it was nice to know that the pain was always there for him, no matter what else in his life might be falling apart. "And you really aren't in a position to lecture me on self-mutilation."
House snorted, and when Wilson turned to look at him, House was staring. "I think this is the part where we have sex," House said, with great conviction. Too much conviction, in fact.
That was completely out of left field. "What? No!" Wilson yelled.
"Look," House said, patiently (which was just weird). "If you wanted me to fuck you, all you had to do was ask." He had his most indulgent look on his face, the one he used to mock puppies and small children.
"It's my office," Wilson hissed. "We are not having sex here."
House slumped in one of Wilson's chairs and started twirling his cane. "Oh, please. Like you haven't had kinky fantasies of me bending you over this desk."
Wilson sputtered. "How did this even become the topic of conversation?" He was pretty sure House was just being annoying at this point for the sake of being annoying.
"You were just about to confess your undying love for me. But you looked like you were going to take a while, so I figured I would cut to the chase." House looked just smug enough that Wilson was seriously considering using the razor for other purposes. Like killing obnoxious best friends, perhaps.
He put his face in his hands. "Get out, House. Seriously. I mean it."
House got up and walked over to the desk. "Stand up," he said.
Wilson looked up from behind his hands. "What?"
"Stand up," House repeated, like Wilson was a moron. "It's not as dramatic if you're sitting down."
Because Wilson figured that it couldn't actually get any worse, he stood up, wincing a little as his knees cracked. "What?" he said again.
Or to be more accurate, he said, "Wha--?" because halfway through the word, House had grabbed him by the tie and kissed him. It was nice, Wilson thought, though the beard burn was kind of obnoxious. It almost made him forget that he was just about to slice his wrists open when House had walked in.
"Huh," he said, after House had let go of his tie. Though that might have been more of an "ack" because the tie was pretty close to strangling him at that point.
"Knew you'd come around to seeing it my way," House said.
Next: Will House actually fuck Wilson on Wilson's desk? Will Wilson stop being depressed? Will Cameron set up an intervention? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT.