thedeadparrot (thedeadparrot) wrote,

The One With The Homicidal Hallway

The One With The Homicidal Hallway
NCIS/SGA, gen, ~1800 words

Tony ended up as part of the SGC because of Lance Corporal Officer Hua. It wasn't really Tony's fault that Hua had sticky fingers, but apparently it was his fault that someone really far up his family tree fucked an Ancient at one point or another. First, he was picking through a discarded pile of electronics in Hua's bedroom, and the next thing he knew was holding a tiny glowing thing that didn't look like anything Tony had ever seen at Best Buy before.

It wasn't a huge deal, so he wrote up his report (including the glowing thing) and submitted it, and the next thing he knew, the Air Force was breathing down his neck and he was being shipped off to Colorado. Then he was sitting in front of a two-star Air Force general in an interrogation room and being questioned on how much he knew about aliens and space travel.

Tony said, "I've seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind. And all of the Star Wars movies. Have managed to miss out on Battlefield Earth, which I think is one of the few achievements in my life that I'm actually proud of. Oh, and I've seen Alien, because I would probably die of shame if I had gone through the last thirty years of my life without ever watching it once."

General Landry didn't even blink. He did take a look at the file in his hand before once again looking Tony in the eye.

"I also don't know anything about anything, so if you shoot me for knowing too much, you're really just wasting bullets," Tony continued.

The general pulled something out of his pocket and placed it on the mental table. It made a slight clink in the quiet of the room. The object was small, metal wrapped around crystal, and there was something about it that reminded him of Hua's trinket thing. "I want you to pick this up," the general said.

"What?" Tony said.

"I want you to pick this up, Agent DiNozzo," General Landry repeated. "Right now."

This wasn't the weirdest interview that Tony had ever had -- that honor belonged to Petty Officer Brooks and his penchant for smuggling foreign 'medicinal remedies' onto Navy ships -- but it was right up there. At this point, everything was so weird that Tony figured that there was no harm in picking the damn thing up. But when he touched it, the thing came to life, lighting up in his hand. A warm feeling spread through his chest, a lot like the one he used to get when his dad would pat him on the back and say, "Not bad, Junior. Not bad." The interrogation room was now so brightly lit Tony needed to squint in order to see.

Tony said, "What the fuck?"

"Well," Landry said, taking the object from Tony's hand. It shut off instantly. "I guess that clears that up. You're being read into the program ASAP."

"What program?" Tony said. He tried not to sound completely confused, but he knew he wasn't exactly succeeding. So he had held a tiny glowy crystal-y thingy, so what? That didn't exactly rate top secret clearance, did it?

Landry looked as though he wanted to laugh at Tony, but he was being too nice (or too professional) to do so. "Oh, you'll find out soon enough," he says.


"Uh, boss?" McGee says, interrupting Tony's line of thought. "I think the hallway is trying to kill us."

"Ya think, McGee?" Gibbs says, taking a quick step out from the cover of a support beam so that he can shoot at a hallway laser with his P-90. It doesn't do enough damage, because after Gibbs ducks back behind the beam, a flash of red light passes through the space where Gibbs just was. Tony's trying to cover Ziva as she dodges from blind spot to blind spot, trying to get close enough to the turrets to attack them up close. Thankfully, the internal sensors kind of suck in this part of the city due to some unspecified Wraith attack back during the time of the Ancients, so their aim is not entirely up to par. Thankfully, it's still bright outside, the sun filtering in through the still-damaged windows, because the hallway's lights have gone dark. Except for the light from the two laser-shooting things hanging from the ceiling halfway down the hall. It's kind of convenient, the way they light up before they try to kill you.

"No," McGee says, frantically typing on his computer. It's still attached to the wall, and every once in a while, it will make angry beeping noises. "I mean, it's trying to kill the whole expedition, not just us. I'm seeing some very strange activity on the internal Atlantis network. See, there are several subsystems that work independently of one another but are also in constant communication with one another, and right now the subsystem in control of this hallway is trying to issue commands to other subsystems in an attempt to force them to take on its objectives. Normally, this is fine, but when the objectives are 'kill all the nearest lifeforms,' that is not a good thing."

"In English, McGee," Tony yells after he takes a few more shots. A laser almost singes his arm, so he thinks he's justified. McGee also still owes Tony for that one time he had Tony touch the Ancient portable head massager without telling Tony what it was, and no matter what Ziva says, screaming at the top of your lungs is totally respectable when there's something small and mechanical and with scary legs trying to climb up your face.

"Yes, that would be helpful," Ziva shouts. She's gotten to one of the lasers and is trying to keep the other one from shooting her while she's attacking the other one with a hatchet. There's something extra vicious about her swings, probably because she hadn't wanted to explore this part of the city at all today. But Tony had insisted. He'd had a good feeling about this hallway as they passed it by, but then it betrayed him, betrayed them all. Tony wonders if he should nickname it Jessica, after the love of Tony's sophmore life.

McGee says, "I think this hallway is trying to take over the city and kill everyone inside." He wearing that sulky expression he gets when they force him to simplify his explanations, but he keeps typing, mouthing words as he does so.

"Then why don't you make it stop doing that?" Gibbs says. This is beginning to remind Tony of that time they visited that one Ancient outpost with the AI that was trying way too hard to be H.A.L. from 2001: A Space Odyssey. (Though Tony can't fault its taste. You should always steal from the best.) It had even sung a few words of the Ancient version of "Daisy Bell" as McGee was pulling crystals out of its belly as fast as he could, desperate to shut it down. Or, at least what Tony thinks is the Ancient version of "Daisy Bell," which is close enough for government work.

"It's got a dozen different security protocols that I need to crack in order to get to the section of code controlling the takeover, and then a dozen more to get to the section of code that's controlling the defense mechanisms in the hallway," McGee shouts. Ziva manages to dislodge her laser from the wall, causing it to clatter on the floor. Tony can imagine McKay giving her long lectures about damaging the city on a foolish whim, but since that particular laser is not trying to kill him anymore, Tony's kind of glad. She takes a break, still breathing hard, still frowning in a vaguely murderous way. Tony's seen her kill a dozen Genii soldiers looking less pissed off.

Gibbs takes another shot, and this one manages to damage the remaining turret enough that it's facing the other end of the hallway and can't seem to turn back towards them. Tony lets out a breath, and Gibbs steps out from his own hiding place. Ziva attacks the remaining turret with a zeal Tony hasn't seen since she beat the crap out of Chambers during practice because he'd said something about how girls couldn't fight for shit.

"Can't you just unplug the damn thing, McGee?" Gibbs says. He's wiping a bit of sweat off his forehead and reloading his P-90.

McGee winces, even as his fingers keep moving at ludicrous speeds over his keyboards, and Tony thinks it's Ziva's turn to try to translate the reasons from geekspeak into Gibbs. It's been Tony's turn for the last five months. McGee starts, "Well, seeing as the electrical grid of--"

He's interrupted by the crackle of their radios. "What the hell is going on down there?" McKay snaps. "Wait, I don't want to hear your bullshit excuses. I don't even know what you braindead morons did to that section of the city, but you better fix it in the next thirty minutes, or I will come down there to fix it myself."

McGee pales a little, and Tony's heard the rumors around Atlantis about what happens to you if Dr. McKay is forced to clean up your messes. And everyone had seen how Kohler had begged and sobbed about how much he wanted to go home right up until the Daedalus had come around again. Not that Tony's really worried for himself. McGee's the only one of them who's a part of the scientific contingent, after all.

"You should probably invest in a rowboat, McScrewed," Tony says. "Or you could start paddling right now." McGee spares one moment of what little time left to live he has, and he uses it to give Tony a death glare, which is not nearly as good as Gibbs'. But then again, sometimes McGee is responsible for ensuring that Tony's bed doesn't suddenly throw him out of a window in the middle of the night, so maybe Tony should be a little more careful of how much he mocks McGee's tragic, inevitable fate.

Gibbs smacks the back of Tony's head. "Let him work, DiNozzo," he says, and Tony remembers that hey, the hallway is still trying to kill everyone on the rest of Atlantis as well. Maybe he should let McGee handle it. And maybe he shouldn't think of all the ways McKay could take his ire out on the rest of them as well. Some of the Marines Tony doesn't know very well still wince whenever McKay walks by, and Gibbs is living proof that Marines don't intimidate easily.

A little bit further down the hallway, a turret comes crashing down, its twisted remains laying at Ziva's feet. "Well, that was quite satisfying," Ziva says.

Okay, yeah. This is going to basically be a WiP. But seeing as it's a WiP without much ongoing plot, I hope you guys will forgive me.

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Tags: fic
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