thedeadparrot (thedeadparrot) wrote,

The One With The Guy And The Thing

NCIS/SGA, gen, 900 words
This is for M, who has been feeling kind of blah lately. More crossovery-fusiony crack with shenanigans.

"How the hell did this happen again?" Rodney asks. He has ten other projects going at the same time, at least five of which are necessary to ensure that they don't die a miserable, horrible death at the hands of the Wraith in the next month or so. He does not have time for this.

DiNozzo shoots a glance at McGee, who is staring at the floor as if he wished it could swallow him whole, and Rodney has approximately five billion places he would rather be right now, dealing with anything other than this. "It was Tannen's fault," DiNozzo says. "He did this thing with the--"

McGee interrupts. "Well, Marks got involved when that part of--"

"And then Ziva decided to visit the labs right about then--"

"Which led to--"

"But the machine made this noise--"

"So that's how Tony got an Ancient strength enhancer surgically attached to his arm," McGee finishes. The metallic object on DiNozzo's left bicep blinks at Rodney mockingly.

Rodney wonders exactly what it would take to accidentally lose both of them on a planet, maybe that one with the giant space slugs that Ronon liked. They'd be fine, really. The locals were really friendly, and the space slugs were only deadly to humans twice a year. "Okay," Rodney says, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Which one of you numbskulls had the brilliant idea of investigating the locked room on the East Pier?" He doesn't expect better from DiNozzo, who seems to revel in his ignorance and lack of education, but McGee occasionally manages to display competence. At least Scuito is somewhat talented, but she doesn't always work well under pressure.

"Well, Abby thought that maybe the doors were just stuck, and this way we could just get Tony to pry the doors open instead of having to file a formal request for equipment to try it out," McGee says, and his eyes are trying to fake innocence. Rodney resists the urge to smack his head against a wall, because it's going to take weeks to repair those windows well enough to work in that particular lab ever again.

"And how the hell did any of you come to the conclusion that this was the right way to go about doing this?" he asks. Rodney hates paperwork, too, but it's there for a reason, though apparently, these two were too stupid to realize that.

DiNozzo smirks and points to McGee with his thumb. "McGee here still gets PTSD every time he sees a requisition form."

"Hey!" McGee says, and somehow this devolves into a slapfight. A rather pathetic one, if Rodney does say so himself. He's seen the botanists get into more intense physical altercations over whether or not to classify the edible parts of a plant they found on P45-324 as a fruit or a vegetable.

He rolls his eyes and taps his headset. "McKay to Gibbs," he says.

"Gibbs," the man says on the other end of the headset. Behind Rodney, McGee and DiNozzo have gone quiet, probably because they've realized that they're both in deep shit right about now.

"I've got McGee and DiNozzo here, and--"

A heavy sigh. "I'll be there in five minutes," Gibbs says, cutting him off.

"Gibbs doesn't even know how to use that machine," McGee hisses at DiNozzo, clearly part of a conversation that Rodney missed. On Atlantis, gate teams tend to bond together tightly (and Rodney should know), but SGA-12 is so deeply incestuous and close-knit that Rodney doesn't even bother trying to understand how they work at any given point in time. He's not sure he even wants to know why they always seem to be smacking each other. Or licking each other. There is no way that is sanitary.

At least this means that all Rodney needs to do is make this whole thing Gibbs' problem, and then he can go back to doing work.

The lab door slides open, and Gibbs steps inside, a rush of words trailing behind him. "It's not entirely their fault, Gibbs!" Scuito says, her pigtails bobbing as she bounds in after him. "There were tons of perfectly harmless Ancient machines, and it was partially my idea, and they just stayed behind while Ziva was getting help, and--"

"Abby's right," David says, right behind her, because apparently the five of them can't be away from each other for more than five minutes at a time. Rodney's just glad that Dr. Mallard hasn't shown up as well. "As much as I think Tony should--"

"I've got it from here," Gibbs says to Rodney, and Rodney's almost tempted to hug him out of sheer relief.

"Uh, hey, boss," McGee says, his eyes wide, glancing between Rodney and Gibbs as if he's trying to debate which one of them is more likely to make his life a living hell.

"McGee did it," DiNozzo says, putting on the most ridiculous mock-innocent face Rodney has ever seen, and Rodney spends most of his time around John Sheppard.

"What?" McGee says. "You're the one with the--"

"He's right, Tony," David says, chiming in. "There were--"

"Hey," Gibbs yells, and suddenly there is blissful silence. Gibbs raises an eyebrow at Rodney, giving him time to speak.

Rodney says. "I'd just like to say that if any of you ever do anything that completely moronic again, I'll convince Elizabeth to make you Kavanaugh's lab assistant for a week." Scuito makes a small terrified sound. David frowns. DiNozzo rolls his eyes. McGee reads his tablet.

"All right then," Rodney says. He turns and leaves, ignoring whatever else they might be doing behind him. He thinks they might have started slapping each other again, but he's not sure. He's got better things to think about. There's a rumor that they're serving noodles in the cafeteria today, after all, and Rodney needs to go early to beat the rush.

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Tags: fic, fic: ncis, fic: sga
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