Tortured Ugandan Political Prisoner Wishes Uganda Had Oil
KAMPALA, UGANDA - A day after having his hands amputated by soldiers backing President Yoweri Museveni's brutal regime, Ugandan political prisoner Otobo Ankole expressed regret Monday over Uganda's lack of oil reserves. "I dream of the U.S. one day fighting for the liberation of the oppressed Ugandan people," said Ankole as he nursed his bloody stumps. "But, alas, our number-one natural resource is sugar cane." Ankole, whose wife, parents, and five children were among the 4,000 slaughtered in Uganda's ethnic killings of 2002, then bowed his head and said a prayer for petroleum.
Other stuff taken from dw's thread at C-o-E:
"Today, President Bush announced he's been mispronouncing the name of Iraq all along. He said it's actually pronounced Syria." - Jay Leno
"Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table from contractors. You know what this means? The war is less than a week old, and already they have an American-style democracy." - Jay Leno
"Iraqi citizens spent their first few hours of freedom taking part in some good old-fashioned taking stuff, helping themselves to varied items such as chairs and chairs and chairs. Apparently the biggest problem facing this new democracy — seating." —Jon Stewart
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey Netherlands, you looking at me?'" —Jon Stewart
"The government of Haiti has officially sanctioned voodoo as a religion. Meanwhile, here at home, the administration has sanctioned voodoo as an economic plan." —Jay Leno